Posted: Sun Nov 21, 2010 10:22 am Post subject: Security Levels
I got this in an email - thought I'd pass it on..
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".
Canada doesn't have any alert levels.
New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Posted: Sun Nov 21, 2010 10:15 pm Post subject: Re: Security Levels
Reminded me of this email I meant to post...
This is for pzjager!
Legendary quotes on France
' France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.'
Mark Twain
------------------------------
'I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.'
General George S. Patton
------------------------------
'Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.'
Norman Schwartzkopf
------------------------------
'We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.'
Marge Simpson
------------------------------
'As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure.'
Jacques Chirac, President of France
------------------------------
'The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.'
Regis Philbin
------------------------------
'You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it.'
John McCain , U.S. Senator from Arizona
------------------------------
'The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag.'
David Letterman
------------------------------
'Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada .'
Ted Nugent
------------------------------
'War without France would be like .. World War II.'
Unknown
------------------------------
'The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq , then France .''
Tom Brokaw
------------------------------
'What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?'
Dennis Miller
------------------------------
'It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.'
Alan Kent
-----------------------------
'They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.'
Argus Hamilton
------------------------------
'Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day --the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.''
Rep. Roy Blunt, MO
-----------------------------
'The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq '
Dennis Miller
------------------------------
Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?
-----------------------------
'Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defendParis ? It's not known, it's never been tried.'
Rep. R. Blount, MO
------------------------------
'Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining.'
John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv
------------------------------
French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris , March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris , caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
Join Discord for technical support and online games.
Posted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 4:15 am Post subject: Re: Security Levels
Didn't France, like get defeated because its best forces charged into Belgium to save their allies asses and then got cut off when Germans attacked through the Ardennes forest?
Also, why aren't there any jokes about Brits running away from Dunquerke?
Posted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 4:40 am Post subject: Re: Security Levels
Because, apparently in English versions of History, getting kicked off a continent, withour your equipment and vehcles, is considered a GREAT VICTORY!.
Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2010 5:39 am Post subject: Re: Security Levels
Dunkirk can be considered a success because several hundred thousand troops were pulled out from a hopeless situation when they would have been totally destroyed and\or captured otherwise. Considering neither US nor russia was in the war at that time, UK couldnt afford to go down further in manpower than they already were.
Dunkirk can be considered a success because several hundred thousand troops were pulled out from a hopeless situation when they would have been totally destroyed and\or captured otherwise. Considering neither US nor russia was in the war at that time, UK couldnt afford to go down further in manpower than they already were.
Success isn't the same as victory.
Anyway, the French jokes piss me off because they promote ignorance of history.
I just love how people ignore that French actually moved most of their best forces to Allied countries to defend them from German invasion and assume that since soldiers from reserve divisions panicked and ran away, then all French soldiers were cowards.
Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 7:58 am Post subject: Re: Security Levels
I think the " barbie might be cancelled" in FNQ this weekend Grunt. Cyclone Yassie may be the biggest storm ever to hit Queensland. Catergory 5 with wind gusts to 350 klm... snags wont stay on the plate in that shit..
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum You cannot attach files in this forum You can download files in this forum
In August of 2004, Zappi, Homba, Bambam887, RedScorpion and MOOXE all pitched
in to create this Close Combat site. I would to thank all the people who have visited
and found this site to thier liking. I hope you had time to check out some
of the great Close Combat mods and our forums. I'd also like to thank
all the members of our volunteer staff that have helped over
the years, and all our users that contributed to this site!